all you ever wanted
by sidm402
Summary: Caught between her best friend and the love of her life, Isabella Swan realizes that there is more to life than just finding forever.


**I've never even considered writing Twilight fan fiction before for many reasons. First and foremost is that I did not and do not enjoy a lot of the Twilight series. While I think the concept was quite clever at the time of its conception, the direction that the story goes in is something I wholeheartedly do not support. I think the Twilight Universe reeks of sexism, and unhealthy relationships and sends the wrong message to young women about the priorities you should hold in life. The second reason is that I **_**cannot **_**write Meyer Voice. The rambling inner monologue broken only by a few hints of vague, shiny description and overdramatic dialogue is not my style at all and I think it really hinders the storytelling. Last but not least, is that I cannot find a way to manipulate the original plot that makes logical sense. There are a lot of areas I would like to change (imprinting, the Volturi, all of Breaking Dawn) but there doesn't seem to be an exact place in the story's timeline where I can make Bella have this incredible revelation without becoming completely unrealistic. For example, if Bella were to call off her wedding to Edward in Breaking Dawn, she would still have to deal with the Volturi later on in life. If she suddenly realized what a misogynistic old man Edward is in Eclipse, would his family still be willing to help fight off Victoria's invasion? If she never jumped off the cliff in New Moon, could Jacob and werewolves realistically keep Victoria at bay forever? All of this was in my head when I decided to start writing this piece, and I'm doing it as sort of a test for myself. I'm trying to rewrite Stephanie Meyers story in a younger, more truthful voice where being eighteen for eternity isn't anyone's life goal. This is also going to be a Jacob centric storyline because I feel like his character is definitely one of the most under appreciated and under developed, and that there are a lot of holes conveniently glossed over in an effort of Meyer to stick to her OTP. That being said, I hope you guys enjoy and please review if you would like for me to continue. **

"Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to disappear." Jacobs's thick, black eyebrows furrow in contemplation and his darks eyes focus on his hands sitting limply in his lap. Long, tan fingers trace the smooth skin of his knuckles back and forth and he doesn't say anything more, just frowns down at his hands. He's never looked so young, even before he turned and was just another normal sixteen year old. Now he is heavy, aged so greatly with years they seem to sit piled on his shoulders, hunching his frame until he sits curled in on himself. I rest one palm against his cheek, unsure at first, and turn his face so that our eyes can meet. His skin burns warm under my hand and I can feel the muscles in his jaw shift, as he swallows deeply, Adams apple bobbing. He leans into my palm, nuzzling my pinkie with his nose.

My heart hurts to even look at him and I feel so silly. So stupid, and selfish, and silly. Shame laces through like a metal rod, hot and sharp and painful. Jacob, who is as kind and genuinely good as they come, who has suffered so much and asked for so little in return, doesn't deserve this. Because while I was being a ridiculous, lovesick girl, throwing myself off a cliff to hallucinate my former lovers voice, treating my life, which everyone around me seems to hold in such high regards, like inconvenience, willing to toss it away to end the heartache, Jake was out risking his life to protect me. And it would be so easy to make it better. To make him just a little happier, and stake my claim once and for all.

How simple it would be to just close the three inches of distance between, and press my lips to his, soft and tentative. If there were ever going to be anyone else, it would be Jake.

"You aren't going to disappear Jake. I wont let that happen." His lips quirk up into a brief, fleeting smile but it doesn't reach his eyes. I slide closer to him, leather squeaking under the fabric of my jeans, snagging on the ripped interior, until I am pressed firmly against him and slide my hand from his cheek to the back of his neck pulling him forward until our foreheads press together. Then his warm wide hands are on my back, hot even through the thick fabric of my sweater and Jacob lets out a long, guttural sigh and sags into me a little more. I twist my hand upward, so that my fingers catch in the short, soft hairs at the nape of his neck and Jake lets his eyes flutter closed, until black feather lashes rest on the apples of his perfect cheekbones.

"Your determination is catching Bells." He murmurs lowly, and a small, hysterical laugh burbles up out of me. He doesn't laugh with me, but another smile graces his face, still fleeting but more real than before and a well of pride swells up in me, so warm and bubbly I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. It feels extremely intimate and his forehead falls away from mine to bury in the crook where my neck and shoulder meet, and I feel his thick lashes flutter against the skin of my neck. "I'm so glad you're safe. Please don't ever do anything like that again." His voice is deep, and gruff with emotion, fingers trail, lightly up and down my spine, and he pulls away from me with a reluctant sigh and sits back in his seat. "I better go."

A wave despair washes over me, thick and gloomy, but I try my hardest to push it back down, forcing on a small smile and giving his hand another squeeze before I slide back across the seat bench to tug at the door handle. Because as much as I want him to stay here with me, it would be far too selfish and I've already taken enough from Jacob tonight.

"You'll be safe, right? Promise me you won't do anything reckless."

"Sorry to disappoint you Bells. We –" Jake pauses in the middle of his sentence to frown past me, out the window, then tugs my arm so hard it physically drags me back into the car and slams the door behind me. He's jamming the keys back into the ignition and peering out the rearview mirror to check for oncoming cars when I finally manage to squeak out words.

"Jake! What the hell was that?"

"There is a vampire here." He is unnaturally calm, stone face as he shifts gears and swings around out of my driveway. I turn back to look and catch the shimmer of a car, familiar almost, but we're already gone before I can make it out, no matter how hard I squint against the darkness

"You're sure?"

Jacob just nods steadily in reply, and my car groans in protest as he flattens his foot on the gas and we peal away, right back down the street we came. I lock the doors, stupid but too afraid to care and press myself against the cold glass of the window, peering out into the darkness for a glimpse of red hair. But as we get further and further away Jakes shoulders loose the tension and he slows on the gas just a little.

"Christ. That's not good." Her rubs the bottom of his chin with one big hand, and shakes his head unhappily.

"How do you know she was there?" I keep my face to the window, eyes alert for something, anything, but its still outside, not even a leaf flutters.

Jake gestures to his nose "Wolf sense remember? Vampires have a very distinct scent, incredibly sweet. Sickly almost. I should have caught from a block away, but it's been so hard to tell lately. These trails she's leaving make it more and more difficult to pick up a fresh scent. But when you opened the door I knew it was fresh. To strong to be one of her tricks."

"You think she's in my house? What about-"

"Charlie is in La Push. I'm pretty sure he's staying with the Clearwater's tonight. We'll just tell him you didn't want to be home alone and you can stay at my house."

Jacob is so calm, even toned. His grip on the steering wheel is loosened and even thought we're still miles above the speed limit it doesn't feel reckless. Hearing his plan makes me calm down too, and I slump back into my seat and refasten the buckle across my chest snugly, trying to even my breathing and willing my heart rate to slow back down.

"Don't you need to tell Sam, tell the others?"

He shakes his head emphatically and looks right before changing lanes. "Got to get you safe first and organize my thoughts. Sam will want details and I can't give them to him until I'm thinking clearly. "

I don't have a response for that so I just sit quietly, more relieved than ever that I have Jacob. That I even know Jacob. Without him, surely I would have been dead months ago. If not from Victoria than purely from my own lack of will.

I think of all the work Jacob has put into me, the life he's been pumping back into my sad corpse self and an overcome by another tide of remorse.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." Jacob looks at me sharply, eyes puzzled before they turn back to the road. "Earlier today, I just- I want you to know that I wasn't trying to kill myself. I wouldn't do that you. To Charlie, to everyone."

There is a long pause after that and I wish I could reach out and take my words back, just to alleviate the awkwardness. Jake is trying to be careful with what he says. I can tell because he keeps opening and shutting his mouth before finally sighing, long and resigned.

"Then what were you trying to do Bells?" His voice is tired, worn with something more than weariness. He isn't trying to be condescending, he doesn't even seem to want an answer and it makes me shut up for the rest of the ride.

Jake sets me up in his room, snuggled into his twin bed, cozy and safe. I've never noticed just how small it was before, but its hard to imagine Jake living here, legs dangling off the edge of the bed, having to duck in doorways and wrists against the plaster every time he raises his arms. Like living in a dollhouse. The walls are pasted with pictures, Jake laughing with his friends on the beach, wrapped around a pretty girl next to a bonfire, there's even one of me, looking sullen and small like always. It was like looking at someone else's life. There was a basketball shoved deep into the closet and his textbooks sad in a sullen heap in the corner, looking forlorn and dusty. His bedroom felt like a tomb, a resting place for the Jacob he'd once been, and outgrown.

No wonder he didn't get any sleep.


End file.
